It's Meli, new diary. My mom read myold one (MissMelissa37201).

i wish you the best of luck with everything. and pray that you have a enjoyable, healthy pregnancy.

i am currently trying to do things healthier because the hubby and i are going to start trying for a baby[again, tried for 2 years but had to take a break because of health], in 2 months.

my other diary is thelostangel i use it more often now. keep in touch.

<3 Juli

I sincerely hope your pregnancy goes well and wish good health for you and your little one!

Hope the pregnancy goes well :)

xx

AWWWWWWWWW congrats!!! thats soooo exciting your pregnant!! :)

try and stay relaxed... just get those stressors in your life OUT!!

Hey -

I'm so glad to hear from you. Welcome back.

Congratulations on the pregnancy! While the family may not agree, they can shove it. It isn't about them. It's about you and Thomas.

I'm sure things will get better, even if it doesn't seem like they will right now. Hang in there, and know we're thinking of you.

Ash

Firstly- welcome back!! i have MISSED reading your news! Secondly Congrats on the pregnancy, as for not telling his parents- just tell them you only had sex once to see what it was like and woops you got pregnant... i have a friend who did the same thing (her boyfriends family were very old fashioned) and they believed her...

As for the rest, take time out for yourself. You have another human being growing inside you, you need to relax and take it easy- easier said than done i know.... take care of yourself!

Hey - you haven't updated for a while.  It's been 6 months.  Hope you haven't stopped writing - I like your blog.

[Lucian]

wow i read the beginging nd was like whoa is she me....i have had the si issue lately, and my hubby was joking about a shrink, i think it be a good idea, however i to have no health insurance...

then i read the ana update, i not only have failed, i have gained 19.5 pounds, so hey it could be worse you could be in my position.

the wieght gain triggers the deppression which triggers the si feelings and then i'm falling again...spiraling downward. i was doing so mcuh better when i had ya'll for support...

i'm back on here now though so maybe things will look better soon.....

missed you

-fadingobsession

I'm somewhat going thru what you're going thru.... at this point. It's like reading a book about myself. I've found one thing to be liberating tho' telling your partner everything. I felt like such a weight waas lifted off me when I told my bf about all I've done in the past, it's a really good feeling to have and it can be the best support. I hope u manage to pick yourself up, I'm trying too. Best wishes

cher

Hey -

<3

Ash

oh no... I'm sorry that you've been so stressed and it pushed you to cut. Please stay strong... Maybe it would help to throw away the art box or you could even bury it to signify a mental/physical burying or ending of that part of your life. I know that may sound silly but sometimes it helps me to have closure to move ahead with change and that could signify your closure to that.

You're in my thoughts.

i did the same thing. i cut last month, after 2years with only 2 tiny lip ups. i actually cut twice. once at work with box cutters. and at home with a sweingneedle. i hvae 2 new scars and no one[including my husband] even noticed.....

i was wondering the same thing, do you pretend it never happened or what?

hope everything starts getting better for you

OK, but the thing I can't understand is, if you know what you are doing is harmful, and I can see you do understand that, and you know exactly what you are doing, then why can't you ask somebody to help you. I don't know what it's like in the USA but in England, if somebody went to their doctor and told them they had an ED, they would immediately get help.
I'm not critisizing you, I'm just trying to understand xx

Hey -

You know what has kept me from cutting? Not having a nice blade. I keep making a mental note to get one, but my memory is terrible and I never remember.

The only blade I have left has rusted over time, and is so blunt it won't even slice paper.

Please don't get back into it. You don't want to have the scars forever... How can you have a perfectly thin, tiny little body that's hidden anyway because of scars?

Ash

Sounds like everything is going okay?
I hope you're still having a nice time.
I'm so proud of you, Deirdre. I'm so proud of you for not cutting. You're amazingly strong, and beautiful.

Love you.

Your cat is beautiful!!!!!!! Love the eyes

: )

Happy Holidays!

I always enjoy reading your entries!

: )

I completely agree with you about Christmas when we were young. Ahhh for those days again!

I just heard that we're (Providence) suppose to get more snow tomorrow & Thursday. Ugh! I love snow for the first day but then I want it to go away... not stay and get all hard and turn black. Gross. My poor dog's sliding around for an hour just trying to find a place to pee & I can't walk her in the evenings like I do in the summer (1-2 miles) because I almost bust my butt on all the ice. I'm not even attempting to walk along the side of the street because of all the crazy drivers here.

I remember the animated chipmunk movie that was one of my favorite movies as a kid, but i think the computer generated chupmunks look a little scary though.

I feel like I know what you're going thru with being in NE and missing your family (I really hate it here too... the weather, the mentality, etc). Have you and Thomas every discussed moving to a state inbetween MA and Florida. Maybe one of the Carolina's? Just a thought.

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time right now and I hope you have a wonderful visit home for the holidays. BTW... I'm so jealous you get to go to Florida for Christmas and I have to stay here!  There's more snow on the way. Ugh!

That SUCKS! Doesn't it make you feel so helpless & frustrated??! Urgh! I'm so sorry that happend to you... Bastards!

how awful! there are some crazy people around who are just so nasty...

hope you fell happier soon

Hey -

That sucks. Completely. Why would someone do that? People are such absolute morons.

Now I'm pissed off, too.

Ash

thanks hhun.

it's nice to still have people who understand:)

i've got 2 get some sleep. have a good night,

sweetdreams-fading

its weird how some parents name their kids

i know a family whos kids names are: sokheang, soprone, soka, and peter

weird eh?

OMG I love dory. Just keep swimming just keep swimming swimming swimming... Ha Ha

I vote black and white.

Kayla

i LOVE finding nemo!!! its such a great movie!!!!!!

good job on the consumption!

I also love when i find a dress that is perfect!!! i have one of those... i looooveeeee ittt

im glad you are in a good mood.
i love finding nemo too.
and thanks a lot for the comment on my dad...

love-eli

Hey -

I am pale, too. My legs in particular, because I wear jeans all the time. But I have this moisturiser that has a small amount of fake tan in it. So it slowly, slowly, builds a fake tan. It's great, you should see if you can get some if you wanted to go just a shade or two away from white. That's what I'm aiming for, just a shade that doesn't hurt the eyes! Haha.

Ash

i love nemo! i use to call my little brother my squishy, he was short and fat, now he's 6'2 170pounds, and i'm short and fat,lmao.....

you're beautiful.

i like it in black and white.

-obsession

Whew!!  I read the entire thing, and it sounds like you have had a really crappy week.  I think that you should tell him about the SI, but make sure that you are prepared for his reaction, whatever that may be.  And if you don't feel comfortable just yet, well, then, you don't feel confortable.  There's no shame in that.  As long as you are confident that you will tell him at some point.  Oh, and about not knowing where those scratches came from?  Well, when you are focusing really hard on something else, like say football, you don't even realize when you get even a serious injury.  A football player who is in the middle of an intense game might not even know that he is bleeding really bad, even if it's bad enough that it needs stitches!!  This happened to a friend of mine.   Anyways, my point is, is that I think that when you cut, you always remember.  At least I do.  I wish that I could restrict as much as you do.  I probably have between 600 and 800 cals a day!!  Mind you, I DO through most of it up.  But I barely exercise.  No WONDER I'm a fat cow.  *sigh*  Well, when I read you Journal entry, I think the exact same way.  Seriously, we have to be twins or something.  Except, you'd be the skinny one, and I'd be the fatass sister who nobody likes, and envies the big sister and her determination.  Sorry, I'm rambling, again.  I better go now but I hope, like I mean I genuinely hope, that this week is a LOT better, and that you and Thomas figured out what needs to be changed, or compromised, or whatever.  Good Luck!!!!!!!!

-Rebecca

ps.  Have you seen "Sharing the Secret"?  It's on youtube.  I watched it last night and it was REALLY good, especially because this one was about a girl with bulimia, instead of all the ones I see about anorexia.

I wish I could pull off such a small calorie intake. Maybe I can somehow manage a way, but I'll really be able to get away with it when I'm living on my own lol. It's difficult when my parents force me to eat more than I want to. Ah well. I absolutely loved reading what you're thankful for. I'm glad things are going well in your life.

Best wishes!

: )

wow.
That comment made me feel uber better.
Yeah you are right.
When my dad is not around me && my mom get along great.
When he is here she is so angry.

oh gosh im not getting the whole verse written out hahah...its just going to say 2 Cor 4:8

love love love

Have you told anybody about it? Surely your boyfriend has noticed? You don't need to be doing this to yourself, you have a good man, who loves you for who you are. Obviously I don't know your whole story, I don't know why you started doing this to your body, so I can't comment on it too much. All I know is that even though you THINK you can't stop it, you can, all it takes is willpower. You must be an amazingly strong woman to be able to starve your own body, so use your strength to resist the urge to purge, and to follow a healthy diet instead of this dangerous one you follow now.
I think it's amazing that you have gone so long without injuring yourself purposfully, but this is just another form of self harm, and you know that. You have so much to be thankful for, that's a beautiful list you wrote, but wouldn't it be nice if by next thanksgiving you could have something else on your list, that you stopped torturing your body & are healthy and happy about yourself.

Life is a lot less fun if you don't have food. I guess the problem comes when the food has us.

Aleksandr

Hey -

Mortality is scary. When I worked in the function rooms at Wests, we had ambulance people in the room at elderly people's functions just in case. We had three heart attacks, a cracked open head and a guy die in the bathroom. Creepy stuff.

You're doing great with your eating. It sounds like we're at about the same weight right now. I have disappointed myself too many times with my goals, so now I set 5 pound goals at a time. I am two pounds off my next goal, but I am aiming to lose the weight forever, so I am slowly inching my way there.

Ash

Hey -

You're right - T2T is not doing weigh ins right now. I still weigh in each week as a show of support, a handful of others occasionally do the same. I am desperate not to lose the group.

I personally think you're doing GREAT with your intake. My diet widely varies. I go from 1,500 cals to 800. Rarely below that. It sucks. But I am definately on the way down, my appetite has SHRUNK.

Ash

Hey -

I can't taste the difference with water. Although, I suppose it depends on where you are. I tend to buy bottled water so that I carry it around and encourage myself to drink more of it.

Ash

i fixed the pix that weren't showing. and you really need to see black snake moan, christina riici is supper skinny in it, and half naked the whole time, so the whole movies is thinspo.

thanks for the comment hope your day has been well.

Wow your doing awesome!  yay for you!!

I love Harry Potter!  I have read all the books and can't wait for the other movies!   ha ha.

oh wow this gave me SO much thinspiration...i love it

STAY STRONG...STARVE ON

If only going to the principle was that easy. My school has over 3000 kids and it's the guy's first year, he won't do squat about it.

Being someone's thinspo or the reason why a guy's jaw drops is an added bonus with being skinny but it's not the reason for getting skinny. I'm glad I wasn't out of line when I got pissed at that girl who left me that comment.

i love this entry, for some reson it was so motivating. the way you typed it, i could feel ana in my mind clinging to everyword, say she's right, you and i are the same, ana, was saying this of course. boy i felt it so strongly. wow is all i can say right now....

stay strong-starve on-fadingobsession

Yes you can add me as well...and thanks for your support. I am aware of all the effects because my best friend was anorexic..she got down to 72 lbs and still thought she was fat. I do not want to be too thin..my goal weight is 125 lbs.

Stay Strong Starve On

Hey -

That's beautiful.

I'm sure Thomas appreciates the effort you went to for his birthday, and the number of people there don't matter. I know you feel bad though, I felt bad for Matt when not many of his friends came to our party the other week.

You're great. And you can handle two weeks without the scale. One day at a time!! It will be a nice surprise when you do step on them!

Ash

Thank you for the comment.
I've almost been dating him that long.
Its been fourteen months for us but it will be fifteen on November 22.

I was thinking about the immigration situation this morning actually.
There is a poem inscribed on the Statue of Liberty by an immigrant from Europe.
A long time ago, everyone was happy that new people were coming here, happy for the people who could start their lives anew and make a better place for themselves.
But that was a long time ago...

Rants are good for letting anger out.
I use them a lot.

I have tried eating less, but then I always get a headache and then I just get kinda screwed over.
Then I get all upset at myself. =

Rain Man... wow. Thats all I have to say....

Thats how we always got our pets. We see abandoned animals and take them in. My mother has a soft spot for them.

Anyway, sorry so long.

I LOVED your ranting entry today! I can relate to not working out in front of your boyfriend.. I work out hard and sweat so bad I don't like anyone watching either. About your BF calling you fatty... I wouldn't take offense to it. My husband has said that to me before and been completely joking (we argued for hours about it) I don't think they understand how deeply it effect us girls. From time to time I've heard my hubby and their friends say it to each other completely joking and they all blow it off like it's nothing .

Also, I know you like pomegranates (i love them).. I wanted to tell you that I found this green tea by BIGELOW that has pomegranate flavor in it. It's awesome!

Stay strong lovely lady and remember.. nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

thanks for the comment. i had to gt my felings out, it great to know i'm not alone.

read prt of your rant don't really have time to read it all have to gt ready for work, but i do believe i agree with you...

-fadingobsession

Hey -